Talking about: The Fourth of July

So, the holiday is pretty much here, and I wanted to talk about something that a lot of you might already be tired of hearing about:  Safety.  If you're following this blog, you're probably a little like us in that your ears perk up excitedly at the sound of dismemberment and mutilation.  On the other hand, you're probably less enthused when it's your own body being torn asunder.


Well, that's why I think this needs to be brought up, and I know you know where I'm going with this:


Yetis.


Worldwide, Yetis kill over 6,000 men and women per year.  Six Thousand!  That's a big number of casualties, so let me put it in perspective.  That's more than Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers' combined kill totals (subject to change).


As most know, Yetis are naturally curious beasts when they aren't being driven by their lust to kill for food.  That means, for anyone who lives near even a modest size forest-- and this goes doubly for those of you choosing to camp out the holiday, where you'll be in unfamiliar territory-- the sound of your firecrackers, bottle rockets and roman candles will be a feeding beacon to every lumbering beast in earshot.


It has been estimated that a yeti can hear the labored breathing of a tired hiker from up to 3 miles away, so just imagine how many can hear your patriotic explosives!


To keep safe this season, we have compiled a list of yeti-safe 4th of July tips!

• First: Just stay home.  Go head, you're off work.  Stay in and watch somebody else blow themselves up.

Since that idea is about as useful as abstinence-only education, let's move on to the rest of the tips.

• Keep in mind that, like most living creatures, yetis dislike being set on fire.  Therefore, if you're having a particularly festive Fourth, you may have the tools needed with you already!  Point those roman candles at the beast and let fly.  Just try to avoid starting any forest fires, because yes, there ARE things worse than a Yeti on the Fourth.
• If attempting to flee a yeti in your vehicle, do NOT attempt to run the thing down.  Yetis are stronger than cars, and they WILL flip your vehicle and strip it open to get to the tasty meat inside.
• If you're caught in an open area with no real means of escape, well, you're going to die.  I know, that isn't the information you wanted from a tip list, but let's be realistic here.  It's faster than you, it's stronger than you, and in a few of your cases, it may even be smarter.  What are you going to do? Kick it in the nards? 
• Hypnotism does not work on yetis.

So, that said, everyone get out there and have a great, safe Fourth of July!

Explosions for everyone!