Talking About Important Stuff: Dracula is going to kill you.

I think it's time we all get something straight. Over the years, Dracula has come to be many, many things to the populus at large. A beloved cultural icon, a romantic lead, a cursed and misunderstood antihero, a real star in the horror world and, many times, unfortunately, a joke.

If Dracula were to show back up in the world today, what would be the world's reaction? Lines for autographs? People showing up to pay tribute? Legions presenting themselves to him, offering up blood like groupies trying to get body parts signed by musicians? Probably also lots of laughter with people doing bad accents and making “blah!” noises.

But let us lay it out for you:

Dracula is going to fucking kill you.

From the pages of history to the pages of Bram Stoker's novel, what has he been? A ruthless, bloodthirsty warlord who demonstrates his power through the bloody murder of everyone who gets in his way. When some people want strangers kept off their lawn, they put up a privacy fence. Dracula had the same line of thought, only the fence was made out of people impaled on spikes. He would dip his bread in a bowl of blood while he sat enjoying the sounds of misery emanating from his enemies.

Hundreds of years later, having since awakened as one of the undead, he went to great pains to move to England. Why did he do this? Was he looking for the reincarnation of his lost love? No. Dracula had done all he could in what he came to see as a backwoods part of a growing world, and he wanted to move to the seat of power at the time-- and claim it for his own.

Once in England, he took possession of a home, and a woman, Lucy Westerner.  He made her into a demon of the night who fed on children. Unfortunately for Dracula, Lucy had many people who cared for her. They recognized that Dracula was a force of evil, come to kill them all. They sought out and destroyed his hiding places, forcing the creature to flee back to his homeland-- but not before striking a dreadful blow to the enemies who had united against him. He gave Mina, wife of Jonathan Harker, his deadly curse.

Did he do this thinking he'd found his lost love? Did he refuse to be separated from the beautiful Mina? No. Dracula didn't give a fuck about Mina. He left a message for them, letting the men know he did it because: “Thanks for destroying my coffins. Fuck you. Now Mina can have fun being damned to Hell.”

It was through the friends' desperation at preserving Mina's salvation that they found the will to track the demon down and destroy him before he could safely return to his homeland and disappear.

He's the sociopath from Wallachia.  He doesn't care about anyone or anything except getting what he wants.  So, does the question even really remain?  If Dracula came around, what's going to happen? Is he coming with romance in his heart and the long sought after gift of eternal life? I can tell you, and I see no evidence to the contrary: Dracula is going to leave you a lifeless, bloodless corpse on the floor. He is a dangerous, immortal force for evil, and while you may respect his power, he should be feared.

Yikes?

Dracula is going to kill you. He should be staked on sight, no second thoughts!

I'm surprised to hear you say that, Yikes.   I would think the best course of action would be to hide in your house and protect yourself and your family at all costs. Dracula is a pretty dangerous foe, and I think he's likely beyond the means of your average internet user.

Well, that's not my problem.